Drought solution

The drought yesterday

A utility company’s recent controversial decision to beat the drought by diluting the mains water it supplies to consumers has sparked a wave of criticism.

Tony Sponge, CEO at Flowright Water, had explained that the diluted water would look the same but would be weaker than the usual undiluted supply. He had advised customers that “anything diluted water is mixed with will seem stronger by comparison. So put less coffee in your mugs and let tea brew for only about 30 seconds.”

However, a spate of swimming accidents has cast a grim shadow over the decision. The grieving brother of Trevor Finn, who tragically drowned yesterday in the deep end at his local pool, told us what happened.

“Trevor had gone to the pool to show off to the local girls. He performed his customary belly flop from the one metre board, but then plummeted to the bottom, hitting his head on the underwater petting monitoring camera. There was no better exponent of the belly flop than Trevor, so it is inconceivable that he should have copped for it like this. I completely blame diluted water, because it offered less resistance than the stuff Trevor was used to.” As a mark of respect, the camera was subsequently switched off. The pool reported an unprecedented surge in ticket sales today, particularly to teenagers.

Mr Finn’s demise comes only two days after a water polo match at the same pool had to be abandoned when half of the players sank.

The drought the day before yesterday

The diluted water is also being held responsible for a number of people suffering ruptured bowels at a local health spa specialising in colonic irrigation. The director of the clinic told us that diluted water does not cleanse as efficiently; therefore a greater volume needs to be pumped up the recipient’s back passage. Occasionally, the strain proves too much, with horrendous consequences. He went on to complain that he had been obliged to hire extra cleaners to mop up in the treatment room.

We quizzed Mr Sponge about this catalogue of unfortunate incidents. He told us: “we offered diluted water swimming advice to the local council. We invited all the district’s pool attendants to a retraining session. We even agreed to sponsor their whistles. But they poured cold water on the idea. I therefore believe that the council must shoulder the lion’s share of responsibility for what has happened.”

It is not all bad news, though. Government auditors have revealed that coffee consumption amongst council employees has dropped significantly since the water reduced in strength. Although the average number of cups drunk per worker has remained constant at 10 per day, less coffee is required per cup now. The council is saving a considerable sum as a result.