England WAGS

England’s shopping team is still capable of going all the way in Euro 2012. While tabloid attention is inevitably drawn to the exploits of the glamorous BAHs (boyfriends and husbands) – whose vacuous existences consist of chasing a ball round a field like sheep – down on the high street where it matters our girls are putting in some tasty performances.

Yesterday, spectators were treated to some adept card work in the training mall. Alex and Abbey both completed the two-hour session with no sign of hitting their credit limits. Unfortunately, Coleen suffered a minor chip and pin injury to her index finger whilst attempting a tricky Gucci handbag purchase. However, team coach Victoria says that as long as her captain spends cash only for the next couple of days, she’ll be back to full spending power before the crucial Bloomingdale’s fixture at the weekend.

We asked Coleen if she was concerned about the gruelling challenge ahead. “It’s a game of two halves, Brian – the morning and the afternoon. Luckily, Wayne has been very supportive. He’s upped my limit to £500,000 so I’m confident of still being at the till when the whistle goes.”

Coleen added, “We do have our knockers, but we really want to show the folks back home that we can clock up enough transactions to get a result. We’ve triumphed at Lakeside, Bluewater and Oxford Street, so we’ve nothing to fear in Polandia or Ukrainium. Whatever the price is, we’ll match it.”

Asked about tactics, Coleen said, “To begin with we’ll stick with our successful 4-5-1 formation: four at the perfume counter, five in leather goods, and one up front in ladies’ jackets. We’ll probably switch it about in the second half – the girls want all sorts of stuff, you see. I expect the back four will make sorties into dresses and jewellery, and Carly will drop back occasionally to help out in trousers.

Some more WAG types

“I know the girls will keep it tight at the rear – their personal trainers and private gyms will see to that. But, above all, they must keep possession of their cards as they go on the offensive. Then when the till is in sight, I want to see them slot those cards home. At the end of the day, I’m looking for a six-figure scoreline or I’ll be as sick as a parrot.”

Confidence is obviously high then, and we could soon be cheering the girls as they bring their trophies back home through customs – provided they’ve got enough cash left to pay the excess baggage.