The Trev ‘n’ Tray Show


The Trev’n’Tray Show

Episode 1: The orlright me old china dialogues

TRAY ‘ere, Trev!
TREV Wot, Tray?
TRAY Where’s Ingerland?
TREV Do wot?
TRAY Y’know – Ingerland. They’re a football team ‘parently.
TREV Don’t be a doughnut, Tray. It’s where we live, innit?
TRAY I thought we lived in Leytonstone, Trev.
Strike a light! The country’s Ingerland – I mean – England. Y’know, as in England, Scotland, Wales, Isle of Wight, Isle of Main -.

TRAY Dincha mean to say “Man”?
TREV Oh … yeah. Isle of Main, man.
TRAY Wot’s the United Kingdom then, Trev?
TREV Well, it means all them countries wot is contained in these ‘ere islands, Tray.
TRAY So why’s it called that then, Trev?
TREV Well, United means we’re all togevva like, and Kingdom means it’s a monarchy, Tray.
But we don’t ‘ave a king, Trev – ‘cept your mate Nosher down the Dog and Duck, o’ course. He looks real dapper in his Pearly King whistle.
TREV Raddy Nora!
Anyway, if we’re united, how come that sweaty down the dog track ‘ad a tee-shirt on sayin’ “Anyone but England”?
TREV That’s sour grapes, that is, Tray.
TRAY Naah. I only bought ‘em yesterday down Romford market.
TREV Cor berloimey, Tray, you are a dozy mare. But talkin’ o’ dogs, ‘ow’s Sharon these days?
Ooh, that’s not nice, Trev. She thinks the world of you, y’know. And she always gives you a nice friendly goodnight kiss after she’s been round ‘ere of an evenin’.
TREV Err … yeah.
TRAY I hope she’s better after that problem she ‘ad last week.
TRAY Y’know, Trev. I came back from the Bingo early and you woz ‘elpin’ ‘er recover up in the bedroom.
TREV Err …
Ooh, I’m dead proud of you, Trev. Wot with your first aid knowledge an’ that. Fancy knowin’ that loosenin’ ‘er
clothin’ and takin’ ‘er bra off would cure ‘er ‘eadache like that.
TREV Yeah, well, that’s a college education for yer!
TRAY Funny that. I never knew a Betting Shop Management BTEC included medical training, Trev.
Lawks a mercy, Tray. Course it does! Punters often need resuscitatin’ ‘n that after they’ve blown the rent on a
lame nag at Kempton Park.
Oooerrr. That reminds me o’ summink, Trev. Scrubs McGraw is poppin’ round today to collect this month’s Clark Kent. I ‘ope you got it, Trev, ‘specially after wot he said last month. Wot is a larynx anyway? Does it matter if you ain’t got one no more?
TREV Bleedin’ ‘eck, Tray. Why dincha tell me he woz comin’ today? I ain’t got two sovs to rab togevva.
Well, you’d better fink of summink sharpish, cos I can see ‘im walkin’ up the road wiv Meathook Mike and
TREV Right. I’m off to Argentina. Where’s that bus timetable, Tray?
TRAY ‘ere it is, but the number 6 only goes as far as ‘ackney Wick.
TREV Gordon Bennett!!